The Writer: A Nature Documentary (Part I)

You’re a writer. So write, you lazy. *Military voice* NOW DROP AND GIVE ME AT LEAST 600, PANSIES.

*clears voice* *nature documentary voice* Here, we have The Writer: a strange little creature.

[Camera pans to a hunched over person at a desk, the room only lit by the light of a laptop.] The Writer gets most of his/her work done at night, but is forced to function in the daytime as well. Therefore, The Writer is neither nocturnal nor diurnal, but lurking painfully in between.

[The gurgle of a coffee maker dramatically fills the speakers, and a close up of dark roast dripping to a pot slowly comes into view.] These long periods of consciousness are usually fueled by boundless cups of coffee and random food. In fact, The Writer’s electric bill tends to go up because they’re usually either making coffee or standing with the fridge open. The second breed of Writer, the tea-drinkers, spends the majority of their time microwaving water and procrastinating on throwing away the used tea bags. [Person pressing their face against the microwave in complete darkness.] Many Writers are victims to caffeinism. [Shot of Writer spinning around in circles in front of the computer screen.] This is a serious addiction that comes into full swing around 3 in the morning.

[The Writer clacking on a keyboard.] The Writer seldom comes out of its home or coffee shop to converse with real-life people. They prefer to speculate over the lives of various fictional characters or ask for writing advice over the web. [Zoom in on a Writer’s face frozen in horror as another human asks it a question.] Here, we have a Writer who has been confronted by the regular humans. The human asks The Writer if he can read its book. Let’s watch its reaction. [Writer jumps on a table an hisses.] This Writer, like many others, takes on a defensive stance to this question. [Writer promptly returns home where it curls under the blankets.]

Writers do not specifically enjoy meeting people, but when they meet one of their own–[Two Writers high-five and dance around the circumference of the earth.]–the results are almost as spontaneous as ending a work in progress.

*Theme music fades into frame* Tune in next week for the next installment of “The Writer”. All your questions will be answered–what do they really do in their free time? What is the Myers-Briggs Personality Test? Why do semicolon and comma misusage upset them so?

[“TO BE CONTINUED” flashes across a black screen.]

That was literally a waste of time. LEAVE.


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